Dark Spots

“My wings were shattered into pieces; I could fly no more. I was being controlled by a device; I gotta get back to the cage at the end of the day anyhow.” I sat deep in thought.

“There’s a routine for everyone to follow. I had the same. I was a captive in a free world.” The isolation brought these things inside me.

There were no glasses in the window to avoid the furious lightening to enter my room, followed by a horrific sound although a cool breeze was a complimentary gift after something dreadful. The curtains were fighting with the air so hard but they were getting beaten and blown away.

I could see the frightening face in my small mirror, all covered up in a cotton sheet and one of my finger covering my ear so that I wouldn’t have to hear those scary sounds.

The clock showed ten minutes past three as the current time; there were no clients for me tonight, so I was lying down all alone in my small room. The weather and isolation were pushing me down the road of memories, the road that I didn’t want to take at that moment.

                                                            ***

“Wake up Huma, its half past five already. Don’t you have to take the cattle for grazing? I have fed them water, now get up.” My mother shouted.

“The daily routine of a sixteen year old, Huma Piya is to get up this damn early and take care of the animals, while my younger brother and the chubby sister could sleep peacefully.” I started murmuring to myself.

But deep inside I knew, after the death of my father, three years back, the mother couldn’t take care of the house alone. She would wake up early to go, work for others and return late at night and I had to take care of the house.

I had studied till grade ten in the nearby school but the sad demise of my father changed everything.

The economic condition of the house was too weak and I wanted my siblings to get educated but we couldn’t even afford the government school.

My mother was asking people to take me to the city, so that I could work there and earn some more money for the family.

One day, a stranger came by; who of course my mother knew, and asked her to take me to the city as someone needed a maid there. She accepted the offer in a matter of seconds as all she could think about improving the condition for all of us.

I knew I couldn’t object, as I needed to assure some quality education to my brother and sister, so I was getting all packed up for the departure. I was sad, but I knew I had to take the responsibility.

I had heard the stories of people being sold and all, but I had already taken the decision and there was no turning back. Fear could change the decision sometimes, but in my case, a step back could ruin everything.

The next day, I was all ready to say my final goodbye. My brother and sister were crying and telling me not to leave them, but I had no choice. My mother handed me some money for the journey and asked the stranger, whom I should greet as uncle, to take care of me.

She was all emotional, “I hope you understand the situation. You are big enough to know why I am sending you somewhere, with a strange person.”

I just nodded and started walking towards the bus stand, along with the stranger.

It was about to be a journey which would change my life. The stranger had promised to take me to some house in Pokhara and I had to do some daily chores.

Pokhara was a big city with wonderful, well built houses which I had never seen in my village. The eye boggling effect of the truest scenery was distracting me from the actual purpose of my arrival. It was truly a gift to Nepal.

The nightmare, I had about being sold to the brothel was about to come true. I was actually being sold to some guy but I couldn’t oppose. There was a duty, which was blocking my passage to sneak out and choose a different life.

The family status and a step to make some money was making me weak from inside. I had dreams, dreams of seeing my siblings, well educated, one day and for all these to come true, I knew I had to do something.

I was taken to a small room and was locked there. It was dark inside and I was too scared, even to take a step. It was a strange place. I read it in books about Pokhara in school, but that was three years ago and the dream finally came true about visiting the place but the situation transformed it into a nightmare.

After some time, one lady came and handed me some food. She looked young in her mid twenties. Her innocent, fair face was signaling me that it was safe.

“You look young. How old are you?” She asked.

“Almost seventeen.” I replied.

“You are too young for real life but suitable for the business here.” She said hiding her smile.

I could just stay silent and eat the provided food as I was too hungry.

“I’m Meera. I work here too. Don’t be scared. You can come, talk to me whenever you want.” She said.

“I know the business is little bit off your level but you’ll get used to it.” She added.

I felt safe when I was with her. There was no fear inside, the fear that was accompanying me, when I was with that so called trustworthy uncle, who sold me to this place.

She then told me that the owner of the place was Tej, as everyone called him Tej; she didn’t know the full name. There was a dealer who would connect the customers to us. His name was Rikesh. There was a mob to solve the disputes and for security, and some corrupt officers for the paperwork.

There were other fifteen ladies working there, including us. Everyone was allocated a room and I was locked inside my own room. She also said that the next room to mine is hers.

It had already been three months in the business. I was making some money to send it to my family. I was getting used to it. The introvertism was the newest skill I developed while in the business.

The clients would pay the dealer, and we would only get the extra tip, not the whole payment. We used to receive some money as so called salary, in certain time intervals.

I would talk with no one, rot in my own room. Sometimes I would go, talk to Meera, my only friend as others would take me as a newbie and wouldn’t consider me their friend.

One day, she told me about how she stepped towards this life. She was an orphan with no one else in her family. She had an uncle, but alcohol was more close to him than her, so he sold her to Rikesh, for some money which would pay for his liquid.

She was almost eighteen when she entered this new life. Some stranger had stolen her purity at the same age. She said, she cried that night, all night shedding tears but there was no one to offer her some sympathy. There was no one there for her.

I could just hug her then and tell her, “Atleast I have you for my time. Thank you very much.”

While on my life, I was almost transferred to India, for a bigger market but one girl volunteered and saved my ass into staying on my native land.

I was allowed to go out, join a college or could do anything in the daytime but reporting my so called workplace slash home, by six in the evening, was mandatory.

I couldn’t run away. It was impossible to run away. Once, Nisha, my former colleague tried to run away; she had almost reached the border but was reported back to the place by some corrupt links.

She was welcomed back with such brutality, that they changed her into a beggar without her legs. Some kind of fear was stored inside everyone by giving such example.

I was given the name “Jasmine” for my work, as they didn’t want the clients to know my real name, as my real name would get compromised but I thought what does name matter when my life was already compromised.

The nature of the clients was different. Some would just come and utilize every single penny paid, without uttering a single word. They didn’t even know how to caress a teenage girl.

Some would share their family sadness, and quench their thirst. They were pretty much unhappy with their married life with unsatisfied sex, and the ups and downs, which was playing with their mind.

Some were the teenagers like me, who used to come, to scrub off their virginity and become a man. I would always hope, no one familiar would come up to take my services.

I had joined a college for my higher studies. There was silence outside shielding the loquacious heart. Lectures were getting inside my head but were ineffective as the status I had, was some kind of virus, which was ruling the whole body.

I would sometimes dine with Meera, when we had no clients at all and talk about how a single decision changed our whole life.

It was after some weeks since I was locked inside the room, the first time I was brought there, they told me I was ready to become a lady. I was pure with all my womanhood sealed in virginity, and then suddenly it was all thrashed by some stranger in one night.

I was in pain; I couldn’t utter anything but was eventually overshadowed by invisible pleasures but there was something different, which was eating me from inside; losing the recognition in the society.

The stranger stared at the bloodshed on the cotton sheet.

”That’s your homecoming gift. You are welcome.” He left with a grin.

I couldn’t stand up for the rest of the night. I found out later, it was Tej, the owner, who stole everything away from me.

I would sometimes talk to my mother and tell her that the work was good and lie that I was working as a maid.

I would ask her if the money is sufficient for the education of my siblings; she would just cry on the other side of the phone.

I would just comfort her that I’d come back soon even though I knew, going back was impossible.

The college life was normal but the work life was heartbreaking. The word ‘prostitute’ itself is a disgrace in our society. We had no status, our life was compromised.

I was attending my college daily as it was the only thing and the friends, which were distracting me from myself.

There was always a feeling inside there would be people who would be strangers for me but they might know me. The awkwardness never left me, not even while I was being distracted.

I had a constant fright that my cover would be blown. I could feel the walls inside my classroom, colder than my scared heart.

                                                                              ***

The clock was ticking slowly as the time had to do its job, just walk slowly and never wait for anyone, as it was its responsibility and it couldn’t turn back from its duty.

Every minute, every second that used to pass was being felt like a long time. The time flies away when we are happy and it runs in a snail’s pace when you really want it to catch the pace.

The night was still not over. I had to sleep and again wake up for my college, the next day. Thankfully, the lightening was over. The air was swiftly kissing all over my used body.

I had no proper clients in the recent days, except for the regular ones. I knew that it has already been some months and I had to get used to the life, I chose for myself.

There was always the rumor that someone somewhere was made for everyone and you would eventually get to them, one day. I thought I myself couldn’t accept my current status, who else would.

I glanced outside the window. The night was pitch dark, just like my life. The insomniac mind was useless. I was getting lost in thoughts.

I thought, searching for the one as a prostitute was a waste of time. People would always prefer better spouses for themselves. I thought no soulmate has even been created for me in this life.

I had to live my life all alone, live for my family and those little hopes of education for my siblings.

I would go out for lunch with Nabin, Leeza, Jenish and Trisha. I would sometimes think what if they found out what I was in my real life. Would they still be my friends or stay away from me?

We would hang out in the weekends, but I had to return back to my daily routine as a compulsion as I had to be ready to offer my pleasure until the clients get fully satisfied.

The mind was always equipped with negative images of what would they do, if they found out that my virginity has been messed by many people already. The parts were reshaped again and again.

I sometimes would feel, if this was to end with the help of some law protocol and I could enjoy freedom finally, but the law couldn’t even touch it.

They could never terminate the business because the holders of law like to fill women with their manhood rather than filling some paperwork with ink.

The life was getting miserable day by day. I wanted to get out and have a fresh start but getting detached from this life was not even in my option.

Even if I managed to get rid of this work, I would again carry a mark, the mark of hatred in the eyes of people, that would automatically appear on my body after the life of an prostitute.

I couldn’t even regret now, for the decision I made. I had no choice then and as a result, I have no choice now.

I walked towards Meera’s room and knocked on her door. She was all sleepy and tired but I knew it was wrong to wake up someone else at that time but I had no one there, and I knew she would welcome me, in the darkest of days.

“What happened? You fine?” She said in a sleepy tone.

“No, I am fed up of this life. Can we just go somewhere and start something fresh?” I said with tears sliding down on my right cheek.

“It has only been few months for you and look at me, I have been here for six, seven years now. I get that feeling, a lot but there’s no courage left inside my body, after losing every inch of status I had.” She said.

“If you even manage to run away from here, you know that how dangerous they are, they will go after your family.” She said.

“Come on inside, don’t think too much.” She added.

I walked inside her room. I was really mean to ruin her sleep but selfishness could come between courtesy and problems.

We sat on her bed, all covered up in her blanket.

“You know, this life will end, if it has to end. Atleast we have each other for now. Be happy for that reason.” She smiled.

I could just hug her and forget the problem but it was not a small problem, but a life, which couldn’t be forgotten.

I hoped, if sleep could gift me a new day or maybe a genie, grant me some wishes and I would be free but deep inside my heart I knew, there was no escaping.

I slept there, on her bed, cuddling, for almost three hours and I was all ready for the next day, dressed up for my regular college, the same part time distraction with the friends.

I looked at Meera, who was waving her hand, bidding me goodbye then I thought it was time that I had to accept now, from the deepest part of my heart that “It’s a prostitute life for me.”